Day 3
And yes, we slept. Oh boy did we sleep. Oh Blimey. Oh Riley. At first it didn't happen. It was too moist. And hot. Moist heat. Mmmmm. And i got bitten, by an animal. Itchy moist heat. But then when it did, it was a slumber and a half. Woke up some time in the 'noon, and spent the rest of the day buying beauteous watches, sandals and sunny g's whilst generally soaking up the insanity. In note form-
Vimto Spray (great btw), 'You want drugs? Hashish huh?', Government owned trees have a thick band of white/red painted on them so people don't make a fire with them - 'Government Tree, Government Tree, you can't touch me 'cos i'm a Government Tree', Ginger delish chai, Pat got some jeans, First Cow, sugar cane juice (Made on nearly every street corner. Squeezed with a touch of ginger 'n' lime. Though heard a story of a lizard that got caught with the cane during the juicing process, and killed 30+ people.), semi-unsuccessful train ticket booking in gorgeous, mental Victoria Terminus, Curry lunch (Sam had a toasty), WADA PAW (Mumbai's signature street food. Deep fried and battered thin potato slices, rammed in a bun with chilli/chutney), Chowpatty beach (filth, tacky, enjoyable), Bizarrely placed death metal gig, Cricket at the maiden (mumbai's huge grassy area), Sam threw a cricket ball and woop! the locals loved it, nearly run over numerous times, back to hotel, watch a bit of friends (you know? that show about those quirky comrades residing in NY who drinka da coffee), shit sleeps all round, killed a flea in bed (possibly the animal that was biting me).
Day 4.
Woke at 4am to get our earlyyyy flight. The hotel kindly organised an overpriced taxi driven by a complete nutter who, after driving as fast as humanly possible over bumps that made your head hit the roof, had the cheek to presume that we were tipping him, despite the fact that the ride was a rip off in the first place.
'Where's my substantial change?'
'Baksheesh, Baksheesh'
'Ermmm, no.'
'I'm a fast driver' he giggled like a twunt.
'You dont say? I think my bitten tongue, white knuckles and broken spine can confirm that. You shall receive no tip from us, mate.' Etc, etc.
Bizarre flight, Mumbai-Bangalore-Kalcutta-Guwahati, that's 3 take-offs during one flight. With each take off you got a free bottle of water, as if taking off causes thirst to spike. More gosh darn irrepressible panpipes. Oh well, the flight was cheap. Also, we were blessed with a hot stewardess, who looked like Norah Jones (TOPICAL TRIV - Wor Norah is the spawn of Ravi Shankar, the most famousist sitarist in the WORLD) Guwahati is in Assam, and isn't particularly lovely. It has some nice Ghat-age. But where doesn't in In-D-R? Usual chaotic sensory overload whilst organising/waiting for our bus to Kaziranga. Bought a kilo of the mediocre-est ctc tea for a mere 3 spond. That's the kind of tea one would use to make a chai. More on CTC tea in the not too distant future (that's right, we're gunna get educational on your ass). Also purchased some Thums-Up (sic.), india's answer to the question of 'what shall we call this bizarre mix of Coca Cola and Betel Nut?'. So we got our bus. It was to take a reasonable 5 hours leaving at 3 pm, meaning we were to arrive at a reasonable 8 pm. From there we would meet our kind hosts who would guide us to check in to our ONLY pre-booked lodgings of the trip, have a sleep, then get up early for safari galore. Did that happen? No. What happened? This :-
Got on 4pm bus, snacks in hand. Turned out to be 5pm bus, snacks consumed. Began the bumpy bumpy ride. Then promptly halted the bumpy bumpy ride due to traffic jam. 2 hours of shuffling along at walking speed. Until i decided to go for a wee. Then suddenly everything started moving. I cannot perform under pressure. So whilst attempting to mark my territory on the base of an unsuspecting tree, all engines were ferociously brmming into action, people were jumping through moving doors, shouting at each other to hurry up. Not a drip was exiting me. Not a drip. Not a drip. In fact it felt like my liquid was retreating. Droplets of stage fright. Every second that sauntered by felt like an eternity. An eternity of sauntering. Whilst people's cries for me to jump back in the Bouncy Bouncy Bus peaked, a different tactic was adopted. I thought of panpipes. Fucking relaxing panpipes. I weed. Jumped on bus.
BUS
We three slept for a few hours, on 'n' off. Until somebody announced at midnight that our arrival in Kaziranga WAS IMMINENT. Alert. As getting on/off a bus is a stressful task to say the least. Turned out IMMINENT meant nearly 2 hours away. So at 2 am we fought against the aggressive quartet who were competing to take over our 3 seats. I would like to say we took their ignorant, idiotic, selfish pushings in a light hearted manner, but actually they just pissed us right-royally off. Off the bus skedaddled. We were left in a bizarre dusty silence after nearly 10 hours of bumpy bumpy juddery bus action.
Technically this is Day 5 BTW. FYI. IMHO
So here we are. By the side of the road. In Kohora, the village guarding the entrance to Kaziranga National Park, where the largest population of one horned white rhinos reside, in deepest darkest Assam. At 2 am. Everything closed. No lights on. No people. The occasional bus/truck chugging by. No clue as to where our reserved beds are. Just 2 massive plastic rhinos for company. Obviously our hosts have given up on the idea of meeting us. So, What To Do?
First things first. Go 'ermm' a lot. Wander around in attempt to find someone, anyone, to ask either 'where is our hotel?', or 'do you own a hotel? If so, can we stay in it?'. No dice. So, we jolly on down the pitch black 500m stretch to the Tourist Complex, with only our previously bought watches to illuminate the path (Sam's and mine are suitably called 'Maksun Illuminators',- illuminating was what they were born to do) At the end of the road, we found a light and lay down under it. Sam with his enviable camping mat. Us with only our fatigue to help us sleep. Noises of invisible monkeys rustling, mega moths frantically fluttering and the occasional barking gecko. It was pleasantly warm. We would love to describe the feeling felt. But, we dont think we can. Glorious.
In our semi conscious state we were introduced to funny smiley night shift man on his way to deliver chai to the early rising safari goers. We explained our situation, and after he had completed his morning tasks he kindly ushered us to a not particularly pleasant 20 bed dorm, with instructions to present ourselves to the day manager at 9 am. There were no sheets, and 9 am was a mere 4 hours away. So we decided to walk to the larger of the lodges and enquire as to availability of chai. Got it, outside. Sun rise was disgustingly perfect. As were the monkey's that decided to perform for us.
The crescendoing jungle wildlife noises added to the magical atmosphere. Pretty heavenly. Kitchen opened an hour later. Poached eggs on toast x 2, Fried eggs on toast x1 + lots more chai before meeting with day manager and agreeing on being moved to a beautiful 1 bedded room (big bed). Nicer than any other room i have seen in India. It was most large, cool, with a wonderful balcony looking over the Kaziranga Complex, and the most incredible tree we've seen (think Ferngully), with a sanitised bathroom and running hot water. And what's more it was cheaper than the hotel we were meant to be in.
Moral of the story - a horribly delayed bumpy bumpy bus leads to many a wonderful experience. Or every cloud has a silver lining. Or when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Or none of them. I can't think of the perfect one. I think there is one though. Signing off.
